This article made me seethe. In fact, it so struck a nerve in me that in an unprecedented move on my part, I dropped the paper and wrote to the author.
I'm not sure if it's the lack of support for mothers (read: families) in the workplace or the lack of support between women that gets me more. Probably the latter. I can tell you that one of the reasons I decided to stay home as a mother has to do with this very issue. Once-upon-a-time not too long ago, I was a VoIP installation engineer and worked almost exclusively with men. In fact, I'd say that during the last 8 years of my professional career, I worked almost exclusively with men. I cannot count how many times I'd witness one of these guys roll their eyes and say, "the receptionist (or office admin or recruiter or whomever) had to stay home today because one of her kids is sick."
"What else can she possibly do?" I'd ask myself. "She can't take them to daycare, she can't bring them to work and she certainly can't leave them at home alone!"
I'd then start thinking, "Why, in the workplace, do we not support families? Why are we pressured to place our jobs before that which is most important to us--our children's well-being? Don't these guys have families? Weren't they children once?"
It could be my imagination, but this sort of disdain was even more pronounced when the woman was a single mother.
Because I was only seeing this behavior from men, I figured it was a male thing. Of course, this logic is flawed since I didn't have any experiences with women for comparison. I did always assume that women would be more understanding. Now that I see it runs both sides of the fence, I am, well, discouraged.
It was after enough of these episodes that I realized that I intended to avoid this situation, if at all possible, by staying home with my children. Right now I am lucky enough to be able to stay at home, but next year--who knows? Husband works in a volatile career and anything could happen to his job. Anything.
In the meanwhile, I will thank the author of this article for shedding light on the issues that mothers in the workplace confront, and I will make every effort to thank God for each day that I am afforded the privilege of staying home with Little Husband.
My friends, if you ever hear me complaining about it please feel free to show a little of that woman-on-woman hatred and slap me. I'll deserve it.
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10 comments:
As a part time worker I have NO problems calling in b/c my child is sick. Then again 95% of my coworkers are women. On the contrary I have a harder time calling in sick for myself b/c what if little monkey gets sick the following week and I have to call in again. Its tough.
A note about complaining. Complaining is one thing and letting out your frustrations is another about staying at home. Being a stay at home is just as difficult as working. I use to work part time then come home and watch the little monkey. Its hard at times. So in my opinion its okay to let out your frustrations as long as its with someone who is in the same boat as you. But don't take it to a point where every conversation is negative about being a mommy and as I'm sure you know not to do it in front of a child even as an infant b/c they can feel that negative energy.
So much to write, so little time!
I'll echo what supermonkey said--being a stay-at-home-mom is just as difficult as working. I personally feel it's more difficult in a lot of cases. So, don't feel that you have to enjoy every minute of it just because you feel lucky to have the opportunity to do it!
I will say that I never begrudged a parent for taking time off because of his/her kids, but I didn't understand it either. I had no idea how difficult it would be to juggle career and family. So, I can see where it wouldn't necessarily be instinctive for others to understand it, even women. Femme, I think you have empathy that far exceeds that of your fellow (wo)man. Most people are so self-absorbed in their own world; they don't appreciate what others might be experiencing.
I'm sure people think--I don't get to take the day off because someone else is sick, why should she? (as if it were a vacation day) I can't help but laugh when I think of the last time Makena was sick. Holy hell.
I can also see the dreaded "other side". We bought the horrendous pet grooming business because Mark had to travel out of town every week, M-F. We thought maybe if we could get the business going Mark could take a lesser paying job and be home every night or at least most every night. We proceeded to lose ALL of our savings. We also lost all of the equity in our home because we refinanced it to keep the business afloat. We were hemorrhaging money daily. It would have been detrimental to us if we had a parent on staff that needed to take time off with little/no notice. Anytime anyone took time off with no notice, it was harmful. We nearly always lost a customer; one that we spent a lot of money in advertising to get. If the employee was a wonderful employee in all other respects, I would have been 100% supportive. In fact, I was 100% supportive in most cases that weren’t nearly as understandable. The reality is though, the quality of my family’s life would be worsened each time it happened. It would be just one more reason Mark would have to continue traveling.
I’m not sure about the writer’s employer but I do suspect their financial situation was far different than ours. On the other hand, we were so small that an employee wouldn’t be balked at by me. With bigger companies the powers-that-be put rules in place so that people won’t abuse them. It’s a reasonable blanket rule to say that the company can’t foot the bill for an extra night’s accommodation or an additional day’s car rental. It’s unfortunate, but the person who balked at it is just following the rules set forth so that she can keep her job. She probably didn’t have the power to approve it at her level. I’m really glad to see that they did allow the expenses in the end.
Here’s the really, really crappy reality. If there were someone else who could do the job equally as well, but not cost the company additional money in accommodation and rental car expenses would they be wrong to employ that person instead? If the top level execs are making a bazillion dollars a year, I say hell yes, they are wrong. If they are a struggling startup or a smaller company operating at a loss… well, could they possibly be jeopardizing the livelihood of all the other employees by not being more aware of the bottom line?
I really think it’s a difficult situation even when everyone has the best intentions. There’s a lot to consider at times. But, I definitely feel like situations are made far worse by people who don’t have compassion for their peers. Specifically in the situations you mention, Femme. The men who rolled their eyes were probably not directly impacted by their coworker taking time off. If they were, I’m sure it was minimal. There are so many men out there that don’t take an active role in raising their kids. I can only assume that’s their story or they don’t have kids.
Either way, I too feel very, very lucky not to have had to face that yet. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
well, you know you can always vent to me, even tho i'm far from being in the same boat :)
Crap that was long! Sorry!
Just don't become the parent that drops your kid off at school even though the kid is sick just because you need to be rid of them for the day. Had many a parent that would pull that stunt then would feign surprise when we would call them up to pick up their sick child fifteen minutes later (that scenario really did take place once).
I hate it when people underestimate the amount of work that it takes to raise a child, especially in the first year. I was/am in the same boat as supermonkey, in where I still went to work when I was sick (yes, I was that person) because I knew that Will would most likely be sick the following week, and that's when I'd need to take time off.
During the first year, if they're in daycare then they're pretty much always sick. I had to take more than my allotted vacation to stay at home to take care of a sick baby. So much so that I didn't have any vacation days left for an actual vacation. On top of that, I always felt like I had to walk on eggshells around my coworkers and apologize for having to stay at home with the sick baby. They always made comments about how "it must be nice to stay home so often", like it was an actual day off. (Let's not forget the last straw, when my bonus was docked because my being out with Will and his constant ear infections "affected my performance". I still disagree with this wholeheartedly, but I digress.)
What a lot of people do not understand is that whether you're a working mom or a stay at home mom, you're still a mom and that in itself is a full time job. It is a full time, 24/7 job, and you can't call in sick. You still have to work when you're tired, sick, stressed and unhappy.
By the way, I want a nanny, too. Wouldn't that be fantastic to have a helping hand throughout the day so that you can nap, garden and catch up on your trashy magazines and chicky books?
Now, where's the winning lottery ticket...
Even after my long rant, I will tell you this. Even as hard as it is being a stay at home mom, I really and truly believe that it is totally worth it. Your baby will have good days and bad days, but you'll see them all. You will be there to witness all of your baby's firsts, and you'll never accidentally hear it second-hand from a teenager that really couldn't care less.
It's becoming increasingly more difficult to leave Will at daycare in the mornings. All day long I miss him, and then I get 2 hours of the cranky version of him in the evenings.
If I had it to do all over again, I'd definitely opt to stay at home, as I plan to when we have our little #2.(#2 being baby, not poop)
And when the bad days come, I'll drop his little butt off at a Mommy's Day Out group somewhere. Anywhere. ;-)
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful and insightful comments. It's so interesting to hear perspectives from all side of the fence: part-time working mother, childcare provider, business owner and full-time working mother. Wow.
I'm about to post more on the topic after what I learned yesterday. Here I go!
Oh, and Katie I still get mad when I think about that whole bonus docking thing that happened to you at your last company. The #2/poop comment made me laugh!
Supermonkey, good advise on complaining vs. venting. I will bear that in mind. I soooo respect you and the way you conduct yourself as a wife and mother, so your advice holds a lot of weight with me.
Rose, I had the same thing happen when I was that church nursery supervisor except the sick kid in question was collapsed from exhaustion on my lap and then proceeded to have diarrhea seep out of her diaper and all over my jeans. The poor baby then started crying. I wanted to kill the parents who acted like they had no idea (they had an idea--the child could barely keep her eyes open when they dropped her off).
Melek, when *don't* I vent to you, ha ha?
Kelly, you and I talked about this over the phone but hearing your perspective helped me gain a much more balanced view of the picture. Thanks for taking the time to write it all out.
I just want to say to Melek, your right you don't have to be in the same boat. My best friend does not have children and she listens to me. I should say you should be able to talk to/ vent to someone who understands you as a person.
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