Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Fun With Sports Illustrated

Despite what I'm about to report on my day, I really did get a lot done; however, studying wasn't one of them. Nor was working out. In fact, my day started like this:

7:58 am - Wake up. Stretch. Go back to sleep.

8:37 am - Wake up again. Roll over. Marvel at how much better I sleep when Husband is on a business trip (he's in California right now). Think about getting up. Think about how when I do get up, I'm only going to spend 15 minutes on email. Tops.

11:45 am - Finish with email. Finish hour-long phone conversation with friend Kelly about email. Decide to go running.

11:47 am - receive call from friend "M" wondering where I am. I was supposed to meet her for lunch. In my defense, two days ago Outlook crashed, it still won't launch and my reminders don't pop up anymore. I thought our lunch date was tomorrow.

12:05 pm - arrive at restaurant harried and full of apologies. Eat a heavy, gooey Mexican entree to make up for the run that I didn't go on.

2:00 pm - Go here and pick up a treat for another friend (and myself, I won't lie):



Okay, the timeline stops here because we need to talk about this. I mean, seriously, "Hey Cupcake!"??? Is this not the GREATEST PLACE ever!? It's a shiny, silver Airstream in the middle of a dirt parking lot in South Austin. The cupcakes are phenomenal. We had the red velvet ones today. Tomorrow I'm getting chocolate for our Valentine's Day dessert. This is the happiest place on earth!

Okay, back to the timeline.

2:30 - 4:00 Blah, blah...bought groceries...blah, blah.

4:40 pm - Realized that I promised to fix the wiring mess in our master bedroom closet while Husband was gone. Realized he was coming home tonight, did the math and figured out that I'd better get cracking! A little history: nine years ago when the house was built, apparently some children were hired to come in and wire it. I am sure it was children because no adult professional would have left it in this state:



I've been vowing to rewire it and, since I am running out of home projects, felt that it was once again time to prove my worth as a housewife (lest Husband decide that I'm bored and should go back to work). One hour later, the wiring looked like this:



And I looked like this:



Something about splicing wires gives me 'Crazy Hair'. I don't know why.

5:40 pm - Played live Tetras with my 2-seater car and my three dogs. I won. Took them to the lake for a walk to celebrate. On the way, I ignored the dirty looks I received from my fellow drivers for cramming three dogs into a 2-seater. Dogs don't mind our little Tetras game; in fact, they were thrilled. Here's proof:



From a different angle:




6:05 pm - Struck up a conversation with a woman sitting on a park bench. Turns out she's from the DC area (which I suspected). Spent one hour trying to convince her that she should move to Austin when her husband retires.

7:05 pm - hightail it out of there when her husband shows up.

7:12 pm - get home and find this waiting for Husband in the mail:



7:13 pm - Turn it into this:



Time to stop the timeline again for a little sidebar. I seem to have some sort of weird affinity for pasting heads on other people's bodies. Several years ago I pasted a coworker's head on the body of one of the guys from this site (sort of Not Safe for Work) and emailed it to a few of the other guys in the office (only five of us worked there). He was furious. It looked completely real. I never did that again.

7:34 pm - Leafed through said magazine and found a cheap, generic Valentine's Day card glued to the pages. Why is there a generic Valentine's Day card glued inside the pages of Sports Illustrated? Is it just in case the guy is so distracted by the bikini clad models that he forgets to buy his woman a card? Why did the swimsuit issue of SI come out the day before Valentine's Day? Is it to save the guys money on expensive dinners and chocolate since women everywhere are no longer eating?!?

7:38 pm - Played a trick on husband lest he decide to give me that card:



(If you give me this card, I will know that you tore it out of Sports Iillustrated. xoxo Your Wife)

8:00 pm - frantically washed two sunroom windows and vacuumed the house so that Husband will think I worked *very hard* all day.

8:30 pm - Husband sends a text to say that he won't be home until 2 am. Husband is furious. He never gets furious. I briefly reconsider the tricks I played on him.

8:31 pm - The tricks stand.

7 comments:

blog author said...

so freakin funny!!! i love what you did to the SI cover and the card. if that doesn't make him laugh when he gets home, nothing will.

and it sounds like you have a lot going on all day...might not be incredibly productive (to some), but it's exactly what i'd do if i were off work. enjoy it sistah!!

Anonymous said...

Saddly I'm blocked at work from your cut-&-switch--head masterpiece. It's weird, some pics come through and some don't. But I'll be sure to check it out later. I love that you do that! I made a girlfriend of mine a birthday card taking various pictures of her that I've collected over the years and switched out the face with the entire group of the pussycat dolls' on their cd cover! It was AWESOME! ha ha! It looked so real that she had to do a double take and then realized every member of the group was her! ha ha ha! So, I'm a big fan of the switch head funny too!

Hey, I just got a victoria's secret catalog I think I'll have to do something with that! And once again, you inspire me! But this one is in hopes that my husband will grant me the "go" to buy anything I want in there. "See honey, this is how I'd look if I bought this!" Tee hee... I'm sooo double "O" devilish sneaky! :)

L said...

Those tricks are hysterical. I'm sure you made him smile!

Katie said...

Ooooh, I like that idea! The SI cover is hilarious, I love it! I would have stuck with the tricks, too. If he does get upset and he's anything like Chris, all you really have to do is shout "BOOBIES!" really loudly to distract him from his anger. Then run. Or cry. Both work equally as well.

Femme au Foyer said...

You know, Katie, it's funny you should suggest that. Mere minutes ago I was pondering over what I was going to wear to dinner tonight (the one that I am making). I thought about lingerie and heels but then realized that part of making dinner involved going outside to cook steaks on the grill, so that's out. Plus, I wasn't relishing prancing around the house for several hours with my butt hanging out. Anyway, suddenly I realized, "Oh hell, all I have to do is put on some cleavage baring shirt and he will be happy." It could be the rattiest, nastiest shirt in the world but as long as there's cleavage, he won't notice.

WD - We shall find out. His plane just landed and he is in one hell of a mood because he had to go straight to the office, so he hasn't been home to uncover my tricks yet.

MM - THAT IS ONE HELL OF AN IDEA! That's better than the time I bought the boots (remember the pantyhose handle?) and got Husband to agree to them by presenting them (on my feet) while wearing a teddy. "Do you like this?" I asked. "Can I keep them?" He just kept saying "yes. yes. yes.". It's a good tactic and no one gets hurt. I shall try the gluing head on pictures of Victoria's Secret models--that's just too creative.

Mel - Yep, it was a fun day. Today too! I'll blog about that later.

kay said...

you make me laugh!!! and i love the magazine. i couldn't tell the difference!

have a super sweet day sweet lady!

K said...

Jeez, you crack me up! Where do you come up with this stuff?

Since I don't know your husband personally, I have to wonder if, as he stands at the door preparing to go inside, he takes a deep breath in order to brace himself for whatever mischievousness he's about to encounter.