"What's on your mind?" Husband asked as we walked along the shore of Seven Mile Beach.
"Oh, nothing!" I replied, a little too quickly.
Husband knows me better than that. "Out with it," he responded.
"Oh--it's really nothing. I was just worrying about Maria a little bit. I think she's having financial problems. I mean, her cell phone's been cut off..."
Husband groaned outwardly, knowing all too well what was on my mind.
"Don't worry," I assured him, "I'm not going to do anything about it."
The truth is, I was at that very moment planning exactly what I was going to do about it. I was going to find stuff to sell on Ebay in order to help her out.
"We can't save everyone, you know."
Husband was right. We can't. Still...if it was money that I earned from selling something of mine, then it wouldn't impact our family. Six months out of work and I still feel bad about blindly spending the money that Husband works so hard to earn. One day I will get over this, but for now...
"I was thinking about finding some of my stuff to sell on Ebay!" I blurted out. I can't keep secrets from him. "Then I could give her the money as...as a bonus, or something!"
"A bonus?" husband asked.
"Yes, I mean, she's done a fantastic job as our housekeeper so why shouldn't we give her a mid-year bonus. Honey, I really think she's in trouble financially and her daughter's birthday is coming up."
It doesn't take much to convince my sweet husband to do something nice for someone else. He is extremely generous.
"You don't need to sell your stuff, that's silly. Let's give her that bonus!"
A few days later I shyly (I don't know why I was shy about it) approached Maria with the money. I explained to her how grateful we are for all of her hard work and wanted to show our appreciation. Much to my surprise, she burst into tears.
"Oh God bless you, God bless you!" she said in her thick, Hispanic accent. "You have no idea how much I need this right now. May God bless you and give you much more! "
I was dumbstruck that my instincts were so right but aware enough to at least give her a warm hug.
"You absolutely deserve it," I told her.
A few nights later found us dining with some friends at a moderately priced Mexican restaurant. We only get to see this couple twice per year but still consider them to be dear friends. The conversations are usually lively and informative and tonight was no different as the husband half of this duo waxed eloquent about the real estate they just bought, the fancy cars they drive and the private school they send their children to.
"I mean, I make a lot of money--a LOT of money--and if I want to buy property and flip it for profit, why, that's good for the economy! If the politicians raise the taxes of the wealthy, then I couldn't afford to buy that second house which would be a shame because I am providing jobs for people!" The husband was on a roll.
Something told me that even if his taxes were raised, he could afford that second home. Something also told me that if the taxes of the wealthy aren't raised, then the burden may be distributed among all economic classes. My mind flashed to Maria.
I don't profess to be a Rhodes Scholar when it comes to political matters and I don't argue points that I myself don't understand. For this, I kept my mouth shut but inside I was churning.
Later that night as we walked the dogs I noticed that husband seemed down.
"What's the matter?" I asked him.
"Oh---I just wish I could provide for you more than I do."
"When you say 'provide', do you mean that you wished you made more money?"
"Something like that," he said.
I stopped walking, stunned. We *just* returned from a trip to the Cayman Islands. He bought me a piano for my birthday. Our home is nice, our cars are new and we eat out regularly. We have a housekeeper, for crying out loud! We manage all of this without going into debt. We want for nothing.
"Sweetheart," I stepped in front of him and looked at him earnestly, "You are a fantastic provider. Flawlessly so. You provide a loving home and immense security. More importantly, we have a happy home and you are the primary reason why!"
"I don't know about that," he hesitated. "I just wish I was as successful as some of my friends."
"Do not compare yourself with others for either you will become vain or bitter," I quoted.
"True." he replied, but I could tell that he wasn't convinced.
"Honey--first of all, you are successful. Second of all, we are wealthy--just in a different way. We may not have the tremendous monetary wealth that some of our friends do, but do you know what? Even if we did, there would always be someone who has more, so don't fall into those trappings. Instead, think about all the things we do have. We have our health. We have wonderful families. We have a great marriage, great dogs and a baby on the way. We have fantastic friends. All of these things mean so, so much more than a bank account that boasts seven figures. The truth is, there are far more complications tied to wealth than there is happiness. I love our life the way it is, and I love the way that you provide for us. You're home at a decent hour every night, you can take time off whenever you want, and you're never too tired to give yourself to your family. In my opinion, we are wealthy beyond measure."
I know I said a lot more than this because I talked non-stop for a quarter mile. When I know what I'm talking about, it's almost impossible to shut me up.
As his spirits raised mine sank a little. It always breaks my heart when I discover that something's bothering Husband. Glancing inwardly, I thought about that new car I've been hinting for. The home renovations I keep suggesting. The fancy gym I'd like to join. Husband always responds to these requests in good humor, but my materialistic streak must put a strain on him. When is enough enough? I realized that it is my actions that make husband feel like he's not making enough, and this has to stop. If there's anyone who needs to remember to be content with what they have, it's me.
I think about Maria and how she must feel as she makes her way through our home, carefully wiping the dust off all of our possesions. I think about the things I take for granted such as cell phones and birthday parties. I think about how wealthy Husband and I must seem from her perspective and I feel ashamed for ever wanting more.
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7 comments:
Is Husband for real? He is a GREAT provider and he never makes you feel bad about it.
Jeez maybe I need to tell him a few "I am so bitter about my ex" stories. Maybe then he'll see he is fantastic.
i tend to get caught in those "why don't i have as much as them" trappings sometimes too. but then, when you sit back and count your blessings, you see how truly wealthy you are. i think you put it perfectly to husband.
what you did for Maria was beautiful.
Gosh! You both are so hard on yourselves. I suspect that husband felt insufficient because of your dinner date, not because of you. It's so difficult to be a part of a conversation like that and not have it affect you.
It's also very hard to give up your income and become solely reliant on someone else. All of a sudden wanting things that you can't directly provide makes you feel selfish and greedy. But, I'm certain you are being unfair to yourself. I still haven't come to terms with that and that is why I do work for our business. It eases my guilt--a guilt I really shouldn't have.
You can certainly sacrifice true happiness for money--like if husband did constantly worked long hours, etc. But, I think you and husband are far too reasonable to fall into that trap.
What I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up for wanting more. Money does make life easier and more enjoyable. It's certainly not the only thing that does and I'd put having a loving spouse far ahead of that. But, we've been trained to feel guilty for wanting material things. So much so that at times, I think it can stifle our drive to be more financially successful. Especially when we see someone like Maria who is struggling.
The fact that you were aware of her situation and decided you wanted to help her just shows that you aren't one of those people you are afraid of becoming.
I don't feel like have explained myself well at all!!!! Oh well!
Actually, Kelly, I think you explained what I was feeling perfectly; better than I could. As I was sitting listening to our friends talking I kept thinking, "Oh my gosh--do we sound like that? Is this how Husband and I come across to some of our friends?"
One of the things that actracted me most to Husband is his humility and unassuming personality.
Melek and Sister, thanks for the kind words. I always believe that you should give without giving yourself credit, so I almost didn't write the part about Maria and the bonus but I felt that it was an integral part of the story so I left it in.
I get what you mean.
You definitely don't come across that way. By saying that I don't want to disparage your friend. Truthfully, he's probably just really proud of what he's accomplished. That is his reality and his life. That's what we have to talk about when we are with friends.
We go through the same thing. We are surrounded by Wall Street money and even though we do well, we just can't compete with that kind of wealth, so it sometimes skews my materialistic desires and his idea of what providing means.
I'll be coveting things like $4,000 hand bags and Ted will feel like a failure because he can't provide them, which is totally asburd when you really think about it. But sometimes we lose perspective.
And by the way, who says things like, "I make a lot of money - I mean a LOT of money." It's been my experience that the more people talk about their money, the less they have. But maybe that's an east coast thing.
Tobacco Brunette - I am an east coast girl myself (although I fit in better in Austin) and was always taught never to talk about money. I guess that things are a little looser here in Texas. It was all I could do to keep my jaw from hitting the floor as our friend went on and on about how wealthy he is. Perhaps Kelly has a point--when we are with friends, we talk about our reality and our life. I guess we should be flattered that he thought he was among peers...
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