Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Terror at the Dog Park

"I've been shit on!"

Thinking I was hearing things, I turned to see Husband standing thirty yards away, under a patch of trees. The tree limbs sagged as a flood of grackles lit upon them. It was feasible that I heard correctly, however, something seemed off..

Husband remained rooted in place, staring at me plaintively. Then he took the hem of his shirt and began wiping his face with it. Hoping that it was just sweat from the 90+ temperature, I ran to him anyway.

"I've been shit on." Husband repeated calmly. "It hit my forehead, then down my nose, then on my chin." He continued angrily wiping his face and head, then glanced down at his soiled t-shirt. "I look like I've been working on cars all day," he grumbled.

Once per day I find another reason to admire my husband. This was today's incident. Had I been shit upon the face by a bird, I would have freaked the holy hell out, cut off my head, dropped it in a vat of boiling bleach and screamed for a portable shower.

"Let's walk over to the park," Husband said. Then he looked around. "Where are the dogs?"

In the excitement of the bird plop incident, all three of our dogs had disappeared. We weren't too worried because we were almost at the dog park but still...our dogs have a way of horrifying us and it usually happens when our guard is down.

Heading in the direction of the park, we began calling our dogs. One by one they materialized out of nowhere and joined our grand parade.

Running merrily ahead, Helicopter Butt spotted some potential dog friends and ran off to join them. Husband, Le Pooch Grande and Little Rabblerouser raced ahead to the field for a game of fetch. I moseyed along behind them, content to enjoy the breeze coming off the lake.

Twenty yards later I spotted Helicopter Butt. He had planted himself firmly between a couple who was sitting on a blanket, enjoying a picnic. Helicopter Butt started rooting around the picnic spread, obviously looking to steal food. Embarrassed by my dog's rudeness, I considered running over to intervene. Right then three other dogs joined the mix. "Serves them right for having a picnic in dog park." I thought to myself. "Who does that anyway?" Still, I picked up my speed as I headed towards Helicopter Butt.

Just as I got within ten feet of the blanket, Helicopter Butt lifted his leg and peed on their picnic. Horrified, the couple reared back, then swiveled their heads like periscopes as they looked for his owner.

And I? I kept walking, right on by.

10 comments:

blog author said...

man, oh man...i laughed out loud at this... not at husband getting shit on, that's horrible. but at Helicopter 'marking' which sandwich was going to be his. hahah...and yeah, who makes a picnic at the dogpark?? puhleese! that's the like woman who brought a cat to the dogpark and thought everything would be cool. dummies.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, what genius decides a dog park is a good place for a picnic? What you do is go on the offensive in that case and start scolding them for picnicking there and HB only peed there because he only pees on stuff that is (insert color of picnic blanket here). Too bad about Husband though, I would have flipped out.

Anonymous said...

Tom has a great attitude! He didn't freak at all.! Very cool!

And I laughed my ass off at Butters! You'd think he'd refrain from peeing on the picnic if he watned food. But yeah I can't feel sorry for the people at all.

Butters is now my fave nephew. Sorry Joey and Jr!

Rick said...

Funny - I would have kept one walking too.

http://organizeddoodles.blogspot.com/

Katie said...

I laughed so hard at this blog, you're hilarious! You're also correct. I'm amazed that he kept his cool. I, too, would've drop kicked some birds after boiling myself.

Our AC unit went out earlier this summer. Thankfully it was a weekday so we got them out the next day but that entire night without AC I almost died! Both times we've had heating/AC issues we've used Dash. He'll talk your ear off but he's very reliable. You know, just in case it's still not fixed and you're looking into someone (anyone) else!

K said...

hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahah

K said...

Now that I can breath again.. here's my play by play of reading this story:

Given the title of this post and the first line, I automatically assumed that husband had been shit on by a dog. I laughed.

I was still laughing, though relieved a bit, when I realized it was a bird not a dog.

Then, I was hyperventilating when I read how you would have responded in the same situation!!!

I had composed myself enough to.. well, laugh at the thought of HB sitting betwixt the picnicing dumbasses.

And there I was again, unable to breath when HB took a leak on the picnic and you kept walking!!!!

HILARIOUS!!! I was still laughing as I walked down the hall to go to bed.

kay said...

hahahahahahahaha!!!!

poor hubby!!

and picnic in the dog park? they were asking for that!! :)

K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
K said...

This story cracked me up so much that I had to share it with Mark, while he was eating lunch no less.

He had to do some sort of overt preemptive move to prevent his partially chewed up food from becoming a lethal projectile.

He thinks you and husband are going to be excellent parents.